I locked myself in my room, trying to understand what is happening right now.
I looked around the house.
The walls seemed okay. No holes to be seen. Where could the holes be? I knew they must be somewhere, I can feel it. But I didn't even find a crack. Then, I realized that the holes was in my heart. Life is so confusing, even I don't understand it.
The truth was revealed hours ago. But I can still feel the confusion, that burning question inside of me. I can still feel it.
It is partly my fault, too. I never have seen this day coming. I didn't realize what was happening this past 15 years I was alive.
I can see there is something broken about my family. Very broken. Instead of being one supportive unit, our home has been one of fighting, confusion and worry.
And I hate it. I hate being stuck in the middle of a situation, and not knowing it. Trapped in the center of the conflict, with no place to turn. Head just fill with thousands and thousands of arguments. I’m not on one side and I’m not on the other—I’m just lost in the middle.
It is the tug of war. On one side, I wanted them to be back together. On the other side, I wanted to know this situation before now. I don't have the power to bring them back together, nor have the power to change back time and know this situation.
But if I want them to look at things differently, like if that's an option. I tell myself, “Do you know why mom’s so mad at dad? Because she loves you and wants the best for you, to her dad is not the best for you. Do you know why dad's crying? Because he loves you so much that he can’t bear to live without you.”
Even tough, sometimes these are lies I tell myself.
My mind keeps wandering further and starts to ignore the present. To learn to deal with my family I haven't known? I'm really afraid. And scared. And nervous. And confused. Call it whatever you want, but I don't know how to deal with it.
"Adrianna? Dinner's ready," stammered dad.
"Okay." I replied.
"I'm sorry, dear. I was a coward to tell you. I.. don't really know..." he stopped there.
"Don't really know what? Don't really know that this will happen? Don't really know that I want to be alone? To think things through? Don't really know how to understand me? I'm sorry, dad. I just want to be alone," I confessed.
I stopped there. I had to. Especially after hearing his tears from the other side.
I looked around the house.
The walls seemed okay. No holes to be seen. Where could the holes be? I knew they must be somewhere, I can feel it. But I didn't even find a crack. Then, I realized that the holes was in my heart. Life is so confusing, even I don't understand it.
The truth was revealed hours ago. But I can still feel the confusion, that burning question inside of me. I can still feel it.
It is partly my fault, too. I never have seen this day coming. I didn't realize what was happening this past 15 years I was alive.
I can see there is something broken about my family. Very broken. Instead of being one supportive unit, our home has been one of fighting, confusion and worry.
And I hate it. I hate being stuck in the middle of a situation, and not knowing it. Trapped in the center of the conflict, with no place to turn. Head just fill with thousands and thousands of arguments. I’m not on one side and I’m not on the other—I’m just lost in the middle.
It is the tug of war. On one side, I wanted them to be back together. On the other side, I wanted to know this situation before now. I don't have the power to bring them back together, nor have the power to change back time and know this situation.
But if I want them to look at things differently, like if that's an option. I tell myself, “Do you know why mom’s so mad at dad? Because she loves you and wants the best for you, to her dad is not the best for you. Do you know why dad's crying? Because he loves you so much that he can’t bear to live without you.”
Even tough, sometimes these are lies I tell myself.
My mind keeps wandering further and starts to ignore the present. To learn to deal with my family I haven't known? I'm really afraid. And scared. And nervous. And confused. Call it whatever you want, but I don't know how to deal with it.
"Adrianna? Dinner's ready," stammered dad.
"Okay." I replied.
"I'm sorry, dear. I was a coward to tell you. I.. don't really know..." he stopped there.
"Don't really know what? Don't really know that this will happen? Don't really know that I want to be alone? To think things through? Don't really know how to understand me? I'm sorry, dad. I just want to be alone," I confessed.
I stopped there. I had to. Especially after hearing his tears from the other side.
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